Conflict Resolution 101

For the past few months, Tye, Etta, and I have been attending a great little playgroup hosted by a local mom in her family's home.  She has a boy several months older than Tye and a girl just a couple months older than Etta, and many of the other children who attend are similar ages to our children.  It's been a really wonderful opportunity to meet other families in the neighborhood and for Tye to engage with her peers.  

Of course, any time a group of preschoolers assembles, conflicts are unavoidable.  Last week, as Tye was trying to squeeze through a small space at the same time as a little boy (we'll call him Jamie), Jamie hit Tye on the face.  Hard.  She ended up with a slightly black eye and some missing skin under and next to her eye.  That night, she told Daddy, "Jamie hit me at Jack house, give me owie on my eye."  She brought it up frequently that day, the next, and throughout the week.

I make a point of always paying attention to Tye's owies, big and small miniscule.  By reacting with love and compassion, I'm teaching her to empathetically do the same when others are injured.  This time, while I made sure to care for her physical wounds, I also jumped at the opportunity to use this as a learning experience.  Tye had just recently begun to hit Tyler and me when she was upset- not hard, but as an expression of her frustration.  So every time Tye mentioned Jamie and her owie, I reminded her, "Hitting hurts.  We don't hit.  We use words."  Then I'd model words she could use if she was angry in place of hitting- "I'm mad! I don't like that!"  I also sometimes went on to model phrases she could use to communicate with Jamie, like "Don't hit me, I don't like that," hoping it would give her a feeling of empowerment should the situation arise again.  

Today was another playgroup day.  Within minutes of our arrival, Jamie pushed Tye down from standing, her bottom landing on the sharp corners of wooden blocks that laid scattered on the floor.  Tye bawled.  Jamie- who is a really sweet kid with a warm, sparkling smile and a very kind, involved, totally apologetic mother- apologized.  Not long after, while Tye was playing catch with another friend (such a precious exchange, by the way), Jamie walked up and hit her in the face.  Tye cried again, though this time, I think her feelings were hurt more than her face.  

Now, I wasn't there to witness this next part of the story, but my friend, the hostess, was.  While Tye and Jamie were sitting at the table eating popcorn together, apparently they had a little conversation that went like this:

Tye: Jamie, you don't hit me anymore, okay?  Hitting hurts.

Jamie: Okay.

Tye: Thank you.

Then they continued eating their popcorn.  Later on, they ran back and forth down the hall together, shared trains and balls, went up and down the slide together, and ate more popcorn together, all without incident.  

When my friend relayed the kids' conversation to me, I was first totally shocked- and then so totally, completely filled with pride.  Tye found a calm moment and talked with her peer about their conflict, resolving the issue without adult interference.  That's something many of us adults have a hard time accomplishing, and Tye's not even two and a half!  

The solutions to Tye's problems won't always be this easy.  With all my heart, I dread the day I'll have to console her after a major conflict with a peer.  But, as is the case with many lessons in life, she'll have opportunities along the way to develop and practice conflict resolution skills.  In many ways, today's exchange has laid the groundwork for talking through a quarrel with a friend or confronting a bully in the future.  It may not have been a painless lesson to learn- unfortunately, they rarely are- but it is one that will serve her well as she continues to grow.  

Tye Sings the ABCs

EC, Round 2

Have you heard of Dunstan Baby Language?  A couple days ago on Facebook, a friend posted this great Oprah interview of Priscilla Dunstan explaining the five words all infants use to communicate.  

It's a must-see video, especially for any new or soon-to-be parent.  For anyone, though, it's amazing. Dunstan takes the concept of moms reading their babies' cries one step further to prove that all infants speak the same language.  Except I think she's missing something.


My problem with Dunstan Baby Language is that Dunstan doesn't identify a word for needing to eliminate.  As someone who uses Elimination Communication, I absolutely believe she's missing at least one word, if not two.  Or, perhaps Dunstan recognizes those words, but doesn't believe our culture is ready to move away from diapers.  After all, most Americans (and I'm sure Australians) are pretty skeptical when they first come across EC.  


I started using EC with Tye around 3 months and thought I'd do the same with Etta, waiting until she had strong enough head control to make holding her easier and waiting until she started urinating less frequently.  However, Etta is a gassy girl.  It all started with her tongue tie, and it's become much better since then.  But like all babies, Etta continues to have gas.  When she's uncomfortable, I can sometimes soothe her with the Superman Hold, but we've had many times when that wasn't enough.  


Knowing that Etta needed to get some gas out and perhaps poop as well, I started holding Etta, sans diaper, over the little potty in our EC hold- her back to my belly, my hands under her thighs with her legs up towards her abdomen.  Her head leans up against my torso, so it isn't as difficult as I had imagined it could be (plus Etta's head control is improving daily).  As it turns out, this has been a lifesaver.  Etta relieves herself of excess gas and usually poops, too.  We've even caught a few pees (she often pees right after she poops).  I'm so glad I started this one day in my desperation to console Etta.  Now, when she's gassy and super fussy, I can actually do something about it and help her find some relief.


Since watching Oprah's interview of Dunstan, though, I keep thinking of infant communication.  When I hold Etta, if she needs to go, she grunts.  Sometimes she grunts for several minutes before she finally poops, and she'll keep grunting until she's done.  If I'm patient and trust her communication, she goes every time.  If she doesn't need to go, or if she's done going, she'll squirm and make another sound or just sit silently, motionless.  Her communication is as clear as can be.  


In the video, Oprah laughs at Dunstan's word for lower-abdominal gas, saying, "I know what that means!"  The audience laughed.  We all know that sound- when a baby makes it clear she's pooping.  It's so obvious that Oprah can joke about it and the whole audience gets it.  However, that sound is slightly different than what Dunstan describes as lower-abdominal gas.  The babies in the video are definitely not pooping.  So why doesn't Dunstan list a word for "I need to poop?"  And is there also a word for "I need to pee?"  I haven't found that one yet, and perhaps it's mostly body language, but if there is a word, I would think Dunstan could hear it.   


The magic of Dunstan's Baby Language is that it allows us as parents to hear our children's communicative attempts with greater insight and meet their needs with food, sleep, and comfort.  Elimination Communication is just an extension of the same concept- hearing a child communicate a need and responding to it.  Besides the myriad other benefits, it's made our home much more peaceful these past couple weeks.

Tye the Talker

Remember the recent post about Tyeisms? There have been so many great ones recently, I can't even remember them all.  I need to revert back to my teaching days and keep a scrap of paper and a pen in my pocket at all times so I can jot down notes throughout the day (the problem with that plan is that few of my maternity pants have pockets).  This week, Tye starting imitating me by saying "Thank you soooo much," and "You're very welcome."  She also started quoting some of the Christmas movies we've been watching, like Rudolph when he flies for the first time after Clarice tells him he's cute.  Tye is even better than Rudolph at saying "I'm cuuute, I'm cuuuuuuuute!!!"

Over the past month, Tye's language has exploded.  She uses mostly full sentences to communicate now, stringing together five or six words easily.  When she wants an item, she can describe it to me, like the other night when she was asking for "baba."  Clueless, I asked what she wanted again, so she said very clearly, "Baba.  That baba up there on the top, with the cow," describing a water bottle.  Whoa.  Suddenly, Tye is a chatterbox.

Let me preface this by saying that I have loved every stage of mothering I've met so far, and I've cherished each one's beautiful, unique balance of giving and taking.  This new talking phase, though, is really special.  With her increased vocabulary and newfound ability to hold a real conversation, Tye has become my little buddy.  I have a great time just talking with her during meals, chatting as we walk to the playground, and discussing books as we read.  I appreciate finally understanding what she wants and even sometimes why.  The more Tye talks, the more her personality makes itself evident.

All kids develop new skills at their own pace, and I keep thinking that for us, this language explosion has come at a really convenient time.  When I think about parenting two girls later this winter, knowing that Tye will be able to communicate with me so easily is reassuring.  I'm looking forward to having someone to talk back with me as I nurse a newborn and hearing what Tye has to say about her sister.  The monologue stage of mothering is over for me... at least until the girls enter high school.  

Overheard: Tyeisms

"I gonna get me!" -when wrestling with Daddy


"Terry you?" -to request being carried, as in "Want me to carry you?"


"'Mere, Kiko." -translation: "Come here, Mico."


"I find ____!" -when Tye finds any object (i.e., "I find cars!" or "I find booger!"


"It too pisces." -spitting out any food; apparently "spicy" is synonymous for "yucky" 


"I so high!" -swinging, or climbing any tall objects


"Wanna watch Elmo/Cars/Snoopy/Nemo? Sure! Okay." -in conversation with herself when she wants to watch TV but knows it's not actually an option


"Go way." -telling Mico to go away


"Ba ba no no wore so high." -translation: "Up above the world so high," followed by "Like a diamond in the sky."


"No, I fine." -when declining an offer


"I do it." -all. the. time.


"I find me!" -when Tye suddenly appears, especially after hiding

To Tye, at 2 Years Old

Dear Tye,


Happy second birthday, dear daughter!  As your second birthday has approached, you've reminded me frequently that you're entering a new phase of your life.  You are willing to fight for your independence, whether you're struggling with a challenging puzzle, a frustrating package, or limits that keep you from what you think you want.  I admire your persistence and find much joy in watching your hard work reap in rewards, from putting on your own tutu to serving yourself second helpings at dinner.  Over the weekend, you taught yourself how to ride your friend's scooter, a skill far beyond your young age and one that clearly pleased you.  Some day when someone tells you you're stubborn, be sure to remind them that stubbornness is the same trait as persistence; the attribute's name only depends on whether the other person agrees with you or not.  Whichever title it is given, wear it with pride, because it will get you far in life.


You are a little ball of fun right now, Tye.  Every evening, as we finish eating dinner together, you start asking Daddy to wrestle.  You have a powerful headlock, girl, and you know how to keep the wrestling fun with your emerging humor and nonstop giggling.  You love exploring your world, whether it's chasing squirrels at the park or stopping every 20 feet on our walks to investigate a tree or fence post or fallen leaf.  I love hearing you talk to me, to your toys, to strangers on the street, and to yourself.  When I hear you say, "Thank you, Mommy" every time I hand you a snack or "Bless you" whenever any person in earshot sneezes, your simple phrases fill me with happiness. You make me smile and warm my heart.   


Two years.  730 days.  And you have filled each one with unimaginable joy.  Birthing you was the beginning of living life to a new level of fullness, one that I hope you are blessed to experience yourself one day because words can't describe motherhood's treasures.  Two years ago, I was forever changed.  The metamorphosis of birth is amazing; I entered the birth tub a pregnant woman and emerged as a mother cradling my babe.  During that time, during that one push in which you squirmed from inside to outside body, I felt myself being flooded with love for you in a stronger wave of emotion than I had ever experienced before.  Two years later, I am still overwhelmed with that same love for you; how I live the rest of my life in such a state still amazes me.


You are going to be very celebrated today, Tye, and the anniversary of your birth deserves it. As much as you'll love the presents, the gift is you in our lives.  Thank you for sharing the best two years of my life.  I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.


Love,
Mama
  




Since she was born, I've written a letter to Tye on each month's anniversary of her birth, with this being the final monthly letter.  You can see the rest here.

Friday Favorite- Bedtime Favorites

The only constant in our bedtime routine is that it's always changing.  The main components of the routine stay the same- put on pajamas, brush teeth, apply a calming essential oil, read books, then rock, sing, and nurse to sleep.  Within that routine, though, we go through phases. 

Our newest must-read bedtime book (and really, Tye's favorite book any time of the day) is the book The Little Mouse, The Red Ripe Strawberry, and The Big Hungry Bear by Don Wood and Audrey Wood. 

I first discovered this book when I taught a classroom of two year olds in Germany.  Daily, the majority of the students requested this book, and everyone was captivated by Little Mouse.  The simple plot, in which Little Mouse picks a red, ripe strawberry and can only save it from the Big Hungry Bear by sharing it with the reader, is easy to follow for young readers.  Children seem easily engaged by the text, too, in which the reader speaks directly to Little Mouse rather than telling a story about the character.  Each reading, the child participates in an interaction with the mouse and helps to solve his problem.  Tye, who particularly likes eating the strawberry along with Little Mouse, could read this book on repeat for hours.

After our books, we turn out lights, say a prayer, sing goodnight to Mico, Baby, Mommy, Daddy, and Tye, and then sing a lullaby as we rock and nurse.  Since April, I've been singing the lullaby "Su La Li" to Tye, one that we learned in Music Together and I have now sung for hours upon hours.  Tye's newest infatuation is "Story About Sammy," a sweet children's song I learned as a teacher.  

(I have no clue who these kids are, but thanks to a search on YouTube, you can watch their adorable faces sing "Story About Sammy")


Now as we rock each night, Tye requests "Sammy song" and falls asleep listening to my version of the song, in which Sammy is a girl with a very, very long list of animals she'd like to imitate on her way to the store.  Should I dare attempt to sing any other song, Tye will open her eyes and ask for "more Sammy song."  While I can only guess why Tye loves this song so much, I have a feeling it's because of the simple, repetitive verses combined with animals and their actions.


Many nights in the past, I've brought my phone or Nook into Tye's bedroom with me so I can play games or read as she falls asleep.  Recently, though- perhaps because her second birthday is around the corner- I've been cherishing our time together as we rock and sing.  I remind myself that today is the youngest Tye will ever be again.  Tomorrow, she'll wake a day older, and I never know when our bedtime routine just might change again.  

To Tye, at 23 months

Dear Tye,


What a month you've had!  You've grown up so much, even as you've simultaneously adapted to new surroundings.  You have a new bedroom in a new house in a new city, and you are continuing to find joy daily in your surroundings here.  I am loving watching you play more imaginatively, using your toys to fill the scenes in your mind and talking as you go along.  Such a great reminder that play is serious work for you.


You're becoming more interactive with adults in your life and as they pass by.  Before we left Chicago, you became adept at enthusiastically greeting friends and family members by name when they entered our home.  Listening to you talk on the phone is both hilarious and precious as you rattle off long sentences with a recognizable word here and there.  Obviously, what you are saying has great meaning to you.  I can't wait to understand more of it.  Other adults are understanding more of what you say, too.  Earlier this week, as a woman held the door open for us at the bank, you walked through and cheerfully said "'Scuse me," a simple phrase that spread chuckles around the bank lobby.  When we walk outside and see our neighbors on the stoop, you love to greet them with a bubbly "Hi guys!"  Who wouldn't love that?


Your love for books has taken on a whole new level of interest.  You will gladly spend hours at a time opening and looking through the books on the shelves in your room, labeling items and characters and often telling the story as you turn familiar pages.  Yesterday morning, you actually fell asleep reading books to yourself (fully decked out in sunglasses and rainboots, might I add). 

Recently, you've begun to enjoy when we tell you stories, too, especially familiar ones.  How amazing to recognize that your communication comprehension and visualization skills are strong enough to follow along.


Yet another recent acquisition is your interest in emotions in yourself and others.  You label happy, sad, and hurt and show great empathy when others are sad or hurt.  One day before our move, when you saw me crying, you climbed up to me on the couch and said, "Mommy, what you doing sad?" as you gave me a big hug and kiss.  It's hard to stay sad when I have you to cheer me up.  


Along the same lines, in the past day or two you've learned how to actually smile for the camera, and you're a little ham.  I am cherishing these first photos of your huge grin- you look so much more grown up.

I had worried that our move this month may have been a difficult transition for you, but you proved yourself to be quite resilient and a strong little family member.  You still occasionally repeat the phrases we used to explain our move to you: "Mico go to Brooklyn, Daddy go to Brooklyn, Mommy go to Brooklyn, Tye go to Brooklyn."  And now when Daddy leaves in the morning, you look to me and say, "Daddy go to train," instead of "Daddy go to airport."  The best part, though, is hearing you gasp and exclaim "Daddy home!" when he enters the doors each evening. We've only been here for one full week, but I know already that this move has been well worthwhile.


As we approach your second birthday, I can't help but wonder where the time has gone.  Each day with you is new and exciting as you grow up so quickly.  I just hope I'm doing all I can to cherish every moment of the present, because the future comes so very quickly.  I'm so blessed to share each day with you.  I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.


Love,
Mama

To Tye, at 19 months

Dear Tye,


The number 19 has never sounded so large.  I mean, a 19 month old is almost two.  Having a daughter who is a year and a half sounds right to me- but having a daughter who is almost two is really blowing my mind.  Sometimes, though, I can see the two year old in you showing itself- like when you refuse to let me feed you, insisting that I put down the fork so you can accomplish the entire task of feeding yourself by yourself.  Or when you steal an off-limits item from my purse, then run into the bedroom to hide, closing the door behind you.  


Much like your avoidance techniques, your play is becoming more sophisticated.  One of your favorite games right now is to usher Ziggy into your room, then close the door; then you knock, open the door to see Ziggy staring at you, say brightly, "Hi Ziggy!" and burst into hysterical giggles.  You generally repeat this pattern about 20 times before tiring, I imagine because your stomach hurts from laughing so hard for so long.  You also love to feed your stuffed animals now, whether you offer them a cracker or water or, your new favorite, hold them up to my breast to nurse.  


Over the past month, your canines have grown in, giving you a significantly more grown-up looking smile.  Add to that the sweet ringlets on the back of your head, and you look like you could be two already.  

Last weekend, Gram babysat you while Daddy and I went out for a date.  She couldn't believe how much clearer your words had become in the past two weeks.  Spending every day with you and hearing new words in context, I can almost always understand what you're trying to say, but I think you'll find that communicating with others as easily is extremely rewarding.  If you think I get excited when you point to new items, just wait until your grandmas geek out over it.


As we move into summer, I can't help but remember everything we did together last summer.  Just look at how scrumptiously adorable you were exactly one year ago, taking your first bath sitting up.  Now I can hardly get you to sit down in the tub.  Last year when we went to the playground, you played with the wood chips.  This summer, you run from one attraction to the next, requesting activities by name.  Just last week, you and I had a gorgeous morning at the Green City Market near the lake.  We picked out some delicious, local strawberries, then found shelter from the hot sun in shaded chairs as we listened to the peaceful live flamenco guitar.  As we soaked up the beauty of the morning with all our senses, I was sure I was being shown a little glimpse of Heaven.  It was one of those moments I want to bottle up and take with me forever.  


I'm so looking forward to a wonderfully busy summer exploring Chicago and beyond with you, Tye.  You remind me to look at the world with fresh eyes- to look up at every plane and bird and to literally stop to smell every flower, because we never know which ones will amaze us with their sweetness.  Most of all, you remind me that love is infinite.  Just when I think I can't love you any more, you pucker up to ask for a kiss and I remember that there's no limit to loving you.  Thank you for making me a better person every day of your life.  And yes, that will even be true when you're nine years old and even nineteen years old.  Especially if you pucker up and ask for a kiss then.


Happy 19 month birthday, Tye.  I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.


Love, 
Mama

An Interview with Tye

Hosted by Granddad

Tye's voice

Tye has been talking quite a bit recently! It's mostly cooing, with a little bit of babbling (cooing consists of vowel sounds, and babbling uses consonants), and I could listen to her all day. She often coos back to me while I sing to her, as if she's singing along.

Tonight I caught some of the talking on video! The room was dark, so the video is too, but you can hear her voice, which is the important part. To think about what this little voice will be saying some day blows my mind.