Hello, 30!

Wow.  What a difference a year can make.  

I celebrated another birthday this past week, and of course, it had me thinking back over the year.  Last year, I wasn't yet pregnant.  While the idea was already being discussed, I didn't expect a second baby before my next birthday.  Last year, the idea of moving wasn't even on our radar.  We were grateful Tyler had a job, even if it included traveling, and we thought we'd be in Chicago indefinitely.  Last year feels like half a lifetime ago.  

This year, I welcomed a new decade- my 30s.  Thanks to the past year, I have plenty more life events checked off my bucket list, and then some- like living in New York City, a dream of mine back when I was in high school, but one I let go years ago.  I not only had a second child, I had her at home, in a tub in my own bedroom.  I became a La Leche League leader.  I knit matching hats for my daughter and my newborn, and I put my daughter's hair in a ponytail.  

So what does this next decade hold?  I've learned not to plan too much, because I never know what is coming.  I welcome it with open arms, an open mind, and great enthusiasm.  But if this next year holds fewer changes than the last, I'd be okay with that, too.

Many, many, many thanks to my friend Amy Postle, who photographed me with my girls on my 30th birthday!  What a treasure.

Chicago Friends

One week ago, a few of my closest Chicago mommy friends came for a visit to my parents' home in the suburbs, where we were staying.  It was a wonderful day of sidewalk chalk, balls, bubbles, deliciously healthy treats, and running around barefoot in the grass.

 Seeing my mama friends again provided that deep sense of comfort that reminds me of pulling on my favorite old hoody on a cool morning, or holding a warm mug of tea in chilled hands, or the spray of a hot shower after a frigid run.  We not only share ideas and parenting styles in the present, but we've been bonded together by our experiences growing as mothers.  It's like we went through mothering boot camp together.  

 As I was coming up with analogies for the feeling of being with my friends, I realized everything I wanted to compare to that sense of comfort was the sensation of familiar warmth on cold skin.  My friends are like that- they warm my heart and nourish my mama soul.  Living in Brooklyn, I've been missing that so much.  Our day in the backyard was my opportunity to recharge and stock up on that warmth.

I miss my mama tribe.

Us Three Girls

I'll never forget telling one of my mommy friends in Chicago that we were moving to New York.   When she realized I was going to be in New York when I had our second baby, she gasped and asked gravely, "What will you eat?"  Thinking I perhaps misheard her (she speaks with a sometimes heavy Mexican accent), I asked her to clarify.  "How will you get food?  After the birth, what will you eat?" she wondered.  I wondered, then, too.


We are truly blessed with generous family, though, who were willing to give up their time, vacation days, and resources to come and help us as we transitioned into a family of four.   For the first couple days after Etta's birth, Tyler took care of us three girls while our parents re-worked plane trips to try to get to us sooner than they had planned (no one had anticipated Etta's arrival being ten days before her due date- except me, maybe).  First, Tyler's mom stayed with us for a week, then my mom came for a week, and then my dad was here for a week.  We fully realize how fortunate we are to have had so much help from family, especially since they all had to fly in to be with us.  The lovingly home-cooked meals and help with housework really played a part in my recovery.  Most of all, having someone to play with Tye so I could nurse Etta or hold Etta so I could cuddle with Tye was priceless.  Dividing my attention between the two girls has been the hardest part of mothering two for me so far.  Those extra hands for the past three weeks were lifesavers.  


Yesterday was my first day with the girls without other adult help.  To say I was nervous about it wouldn't be an exaggeration- on Sunday, I was pretty scared of what might happen- or not happen.  I still spend a huge portion of each day sitting while I nurse Etta, and that can be hard for Tye, who has so much energy.  Until Etta can nurse in the sling while I can simultaneously entertain/chase Tye, I worry about how I'll manage.  


However, our first day was a notably excellent one.  We made coconut macaroons in the morning, did a load of laundry, napped, went to the playground in the afternoon, ran an errand on the way home, and made dinner, all without any major meltdowns from any of us (and we didn't resort to turning on the TV ever!).  That's a full day in my book.  While I know they won't all be this easy, starting out on a good note- or a good day- is always helpful.


Photographic evidence that we made it to the playground on day one of Us Three Girls:

(Don't worry, I could see Etta's face easily as she slept on my chest.)

The Big Sis!

Sticking it to me

We moved into our home in Brooklyn one month and two days ago.  It's hard to believe it's only been 33 days here.  Even though I still feel like we're settling in and discovering our neighborhood, I feel like we've been here for months, at least.  We're down to one box in our living space (and it contains Tyler's Xbox, so it being packed isn't such a bad thing- I keep trying to convince him to bring it back to Illinois with us and leave it there...). I have more organizing to do before I'll feel like everything is in its place, but in general, I feel like we live in a home now.  

There is one aspect of our move that continues to make its presence known, however.  Because we used professional movers, every item that went into the truck received a numbered sticker that corresponded to a list of items moved.  These small, yellow stickers seemed harmless enough- they are easily removed and leave no residue or mark, like a Post-It note.

On Tye's trampoline...

On Mico's dog food container...

On Tye's bookshelves...

But they are everywhere.  

On the diaper pail...

On the arm of the rocking chair...

On the vacuum cleaner...

Thirty three days, and still, these stickers haunt me. 

Even when I leave the house.

Thoughts at 26 Weeks

I may be 26 weeks pregnant, but my body believes my third trimester arrived three days ago.  It came on like a ton of bricks- one day, I felt great, and the next, WHAM!  I was exhausted from pushing Tye in the stroller a few blocks, every time I bent over to pick up one of the million items on the floor my belly and back hurt, and by the end of the day, my entire body felt absolutely exhausted, despite my afternoon nap.  With only a week and a half until I officially enter the third trimester, my body isn't that far off.  I just wasn't expecting those typical third trimester symptoms until, well, the third trimester.  Fortunately, I've been surrounded by gentle reminders to appreciate every day of this pregnancy, and I'm truly working on that. 


I'm forever grateful just to be pregnant.  Today, October 15th, marks Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a day with special meaning to me.  Almost three years ago, I had an ectopic pregnancy that ended in emergency surgery to remove my ruptured fallopian tube.  The devastation of losing a pregnancy is hard to describe and rarely discussed publicly, as if miscarrying is shameful.  I found, though, that by talking openly about our experience, I was introduced to a flood of other women who had lost a pregnancy and even more stories of hope.  I learned that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage (1 in 3 by some estimates), which helped ease my own feelings of guilt.  Remembering how fortunate I am to have become pregnant with one fallopian tube, and to still be pregnant, being grateful comes easily.


As my pregnancy progresses, I'm thankful for each day that Baby Girl stays inside me.  Much as I did with Tye, I'm reminding this babe daily to "Stay inside until January," our pregnancy mantra.  Some days, I feel as though everywhere I turn, I encounter another story of a premature birth.  A friend just told me of a sorority sister who delivered her twins at 24 weeks.  Loving, concerned friends and family members reminded Tyler and me that I shouldn't be lifting anything heavy during the move, or better yet, shouldn't lift anything (and Tyler has been fabulous, helping me throughout).  With at least three close friends who delivered prematurely immediately following a move, moving was a real concern for us, and one we continue to take seriously (the boxes aren't gone yet!).  I'm thankful that we've progressed into a portion of the pregnancy in which Baby Girl would possibly survive if she was born, but even more, I'm grateful for every day she remains safely in utero.  


I'm also reminding myself to treasure this pregnancy because there's a chance it could be my last.  Though right now, I can say I would like another child someday, I don't know what the future holds for our family.  To assume I'll be pregnant again would also rely on me becoming pregnant again, an uncertain venture for any couple.  When I think about the possibility that this could be my last time experiencing pregnancy, I can't help but cherish each day.  


Since she learned we'd be moving, my dear friend Ines has been wishing for me to find peace after the move so I could just enjoy being pregnant.  Now that the chaos is beginning to calm, I'm able to concentrate on my connection with Baby Girl and finally realize Ines' hope for me, something I didn't realize how much I needed.  All these reminders of how fortunate we are aren't going wasted, either.  I'm grateful for the conception and safe continuation of this pregnancy, and for the wonderfully easy second trimester with which I was blessed when I needed it most.  When my continuously changing body requires me to slow down now, I'll gladly use the extra time to be present in the moment, enjoy the beauty of today, and say a little prayer of thanks.

To Tye, at 23 months

Dear Tye,


What a month you've had!  You've grown up so much, even as you've simultaneously adapted to new surroundings.  You have a new bedroom in a new house in a new city, and you are continuing to find joy daily in your surroundings here.  I am loving watching you play more imaginatively, using your toys to fill the scenes in your mind and talking as you go along.  Such a great reminder that play is serious work for you.


You're becoming more interactive with adults in your life and as they pass by.  Before we left Chicago, you became adept at enthusiastically greeting friends and family members by name when they entered our home.  Listening to you talk on the phone is both hilarious and precious as you rattle off long sentences with a recognizable word here and there.  Obviously, what you are saying has great meaning to you.  I can't wait to understand more of it.  Other adults are understanding more of what you say, too.  Earlier this week, as a woman held the door open for us at the bank, you walked through and cheerfully said "'Scuse me," a simple phrase that spread chuckles around the bank lobby.  When we walk outside and see our neighbors on the stoop, you love to greet them with a bubbly "Hi guys!"  Who wouldn't love that?


Your love for books has taken on a whole new level of interest.  You will gladly spend hours at a time opening and looking through the books on the shelves in your room, labeling items and characters and often telling the story as you turn familiar pages.  Yesterday morning, you actually fell asleep reading books to yourself (fully decked out in sunglasses and rainboots, might I add). 

Recently, you've begun to enjoy when we tell you stories, too, especially familiar ones.  How amazing to recognize that your communication comprehension and visualization skills are strong enough to follow along.


Yet another recent acquisition is your interest in emotions in yourself and others.  You label happy, sad, and hurt and show great empathy when others are sad or hurt.  One day before our move, when you saw me crying, you climbed up to me on the couch and said, "Mommy, what you doing sad?" as you gave me a big hug and kiss.  It's hard to stay sad when I have you to cheer me up.  


Along the same lines, in the past day or two you've learned how to actually smile for the camera, and you're a little ham.  I am cherishing these first photos of your huge grin- you look so much more grown up.

I had worried that our move this month may have been a difficult transition for you, but you proved yourself to be quite resilient and a strong little family member.  You still occasionally repeat the phrases we used to explain our move to you: "Mico go to Brooklyn, Daddy go to Brooklyn, Mommy go to Brooklyn, Tye go to Brooklyn."  And now when Daddy leaves in the morning, you look to me and say, "Daddy go to train," instead of "Daddy go to airport."  The best part, though, is hearing you gasp and exclaim "Daddy home!" when he enters the doors each evening. We've only been here for one full week, but I know already that this move has been well worthwhile.


As we approach your second birthday, I can't help but wonder where the time has gone.  Each day with you is new and exciting as you grow up so quickly.  I just hope I'm doing all I can to cherish every moment of the present, because the future comes so very quickly.  I'm so blessed to share each day with you.  I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.


Love,
Mama

City Living

Hi Friends!  I'm writing you from our tiny kitchen in Brooklyn, or as Tye says, "Book-wyn."  The past week feels like a whirlwind, and packing up the moving truck a week ago seems as if it happened a lifetime ago.  We arrived to NYC Wednesday night and stayed in a hotel so we could move in early Thursday.  

I don't know how much you all know about living in NYC, but one of the many differences between Chicago and NYC is it's dog-friendliness.  In NYC, owners of dogs 25 pounds or less are set.  Anyone with a dog over 30 pounds is limited, and no one owns a dog over 50 pounds because a) you can't live anywhere with a dog over 50 pounds, and b) you can't go anywhere with a dog over 50 pounds.  After many attempts, we finally found a hotel in Brooklyn that allowed dogs and was willing to make an exception to their weight limit policy (thanks to Tyler's hotel status acquired from traveling with his last job).  Can you imagine what the hotel staff were thinking when we walked in with a 100+ pound dog and a toddler?  I'm sure they quickly made certain no one was rooming next to us.

Thursday, movers stuffed boxes into every square inch of our apartment and left us to figure out where everything would eventually belong.  I wish I had a photo of us in that stage, boxes piled high with nowhere to move them, but I was so daunted by the task of unpacking them I didn't think I could bear photographical evidence.  Since then, we've been slowly unpacking boxes and finding nooks and crannies for most of our items.  "Most" because we are certainly donating and selling more items now that we're here, even after reducing our belongings by a significant amount in Chicago.  Salvation Army is celebrating our move.

When we began unpacking, I focused my efforts on Tye's room first, which proved to be a very good idea.  Once we loaded her shelves with her toys and books, she began to happily pass the time by taking inventory.  As she began pulling books off her shelves, she excitedly identified each one.  "Puppy book!  Bunny book!  Daddy book! Duck book!"  Clearly, the familiarity was important to her.  I think it helped her feel at home in our new, still chaotic space.

We took a break from our unpacking yesterday to make a practice run down to Tyler's office in Midtown.  What a needed rest!  Tye was ecstatic to finally ride the trains she's been hearing rumbling below the grates in the sidewalk.  It was a quick, easy trip, just as we had hoped.  

Since Tyler works next to FAO Schwarz, Manhattan's famed toy store, we stopped in with Tye.  She was in awe.  

Every time Tye found something she liked, she gasped as she ran towards it full speed, stopped long enough to barely investigate, and immediately, her eyes were caught by something else. She ran around the store gasping, running, gasping, running, until we found one that kept her attention- a cowgirl puppet.  

As soon as she put it on and figured out how to make the mouth move, she was enchanted.  What a great souvenir to remind us of our first family outing in Manhattan.

Today is Tyler's first day of work, so I'm sitting here as Tye naps surrounded by more boxes, furniture we're trying to sell, and more boxes.  I keep wondering how unpacking can take so much time.  We don't yet have a couch to sit on or chairs for our new tiny kitchen table, so I'm sitting on a stool next to the mobile island.  I haven't been grocery shopping yet and we've almost depleted our stock of snacks, so Tye and I will probably walk to share some lunch when she wakes up.  We'll share photos of our space eventually, but we have a lot of work to go before then!

Moving update

After weeks of our move feeling unreal and distant, we're now in the thick of it. I had to search through half-packed boxes to find my laptop charger, and every room in our home looks foreign, it's so empty. The moving truck comes Monday to haul our belongings off to New York, and then we'll have until Thursday to make our way out there.
I have to believe the hardest part of the move is behind us. Until Wednesday night, we still didn't have an apartment in NY, even though the movers were coming in 5 days. Fortunately, our application for our apartment was accepted and we've signed a lease. Then came the first moving deadline of Friday morning, by which time we had to have our home staged for realty photos. Staged as in "nothing you own but furniture can be visible, and some of that has to go, too." We gave away about half our belongings to The Salvation Army to make room for everything else to be stuffed into closets and cabinets. Then Tye and I went to our final Chicago playgroup with our dearest friends. Even though I know I'll be in touch with them, saying goodbye was painfully hard.
Everything is slowly but surely falling- or being packed- into place. Tye knows there's something going on and isn't sleeping as well as normal, but she's having a great time playing in moving boxes with all the odds and ends that show themselves when you finally pack your home. When she asks where something is, a simple response has been sufficient so far, as if she only wants to be sure it actually is somewhere. I think we'll start talking to her about our new home on Sunday to prepare her for the sudden emptying of our current home the next day.
A deep thanks goes out to all of you for the notes of encouragement and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. The support has been just what we needed. This week will go down as one in our lives that marks a dramatic transition, by which our lives will be measured as "before" and "after." It's an exciting time for us. Can't wait to share more!

When life hands you change...

I can look back at my life and see certain points in which my journey suddenly took a new direction.  Tyler's military deployment, which led to our earlier-than-planned marriage and our move to Germany; a chance interview and a teaching position in an integrated classroom, which unveiled my calling in Special Education; that first unplanned pregnancy that, though lost, awakened our desire for children; that moment in which Tye emerged from my body and I was instantly overcome with fierce love for her in a way I could never have imagined.  Intense, life-altering times of transition.


I'm standing on the brink of one of those moments now- or perhaps smack dab in the middle of it- and that awareness is unnerving. 


We're moving our family.  We've decided to pack up what is most important to us, leave our entire extended family and the majority of our friends, and head to New York City so Tyler can take a new job that will allow our family more time together.  I feel simultaneously terrified and relieved.  Since we moved to Chicago four years ago, Tyler has been consulting with a firm that has required him to travel at least four days a week.  We never planned for him to continue in this position as long as he has, but right when we had hoped he'd be able to leave, the economy took a nosedive and we were grateful he was employed.  


Now, Tyler has found a position in Corporate Strategy that is not only an opportunity to leave consulting but is also with a company that excites him.  I'm over the moon for him to have a job he enjoys more and that won't leave him dreading each new workweek.  And to see Tyler every day?  A dream come true!  After all, living together was part of the plan when we married.  For Tye to see Tyler each day will be even more exciting.  She has reached the age in which she is sad when Daddy leaves each week, and she spends much of each Monday talking about Daddy leaving.  It's heartbreaking.


Of course, this move terrifies me.  Our family plays such a huge role in our lives that I can't imagine how we'll survive without them sometimes.  Each Sunday, our siblings and their significant others join us for Family Sunday Funday, which pretty much consists of cooking and eating delicious food together.  Adapting to Sundays without them is going to be really painful.  We see both sets of our parents regularly, too, sometimes even both on the same weekend.  They've been our go-to babysitters for Tye, for which we've been extremely grateful.  


And of course, we're leaving just months before our second child is born.  When I discovered I was pregnant, I instantly thought of my amazing support system- family so closeby, and all my amazing like-minded mama friends, who I knew would ease my transition into a mother of two.  My heart breaks when I think of leaving everyone.  I've cried over and over as we made this decision.  But then I see something like this:

Isn't this enough of a reason to make a change?  Our family unit will be together.  We'll have each other, and I fully expect this move to bring us even closer.  From our past experiences together, Tyler and I know we can face anything with each other.  Heck, we're moving to a place where I speak the native language- we're going to be just fine.  


This weekend, Tyler and I are flying out to NYC to look at apartments, hopefully with a move-in date of early October.  Did you catch that? (No, not the early October part, even though that is insanely soon.)  Tyler and I are flying- without Tye.  Tye is going to stay home Saturday night with GG, Tyler's mom.  Between the flights there and back, a full day of in-and-out of a car and in-and-out of apartments, and a night in a hotel room, I honestly believe this will be easier on Tye.  But maybe not easier one me- this will be my first night without Tye since she was born, and I'm super emotional about it.  I know she'll be with someone she loves dearly who will be able to comfort her in my absence, and I truly believe this is in her best interest.  But I'm going to miss her like I'd miss my right arm.  Maybe worse.


We have a lot of changes coming up- a new home in a new state, a new job and family schedule, new friends (hopefully!), new midwife care....  There will be a lot changing in a short amount of time.  Having experienced changes like this in my past, I've learned enough to be excited for myself.  I know that I'll survive, and that even if it's really hard, I'll come out better for it.  However, this is my first time making a transition of this magnitude with Tye.  I'm hoping and praying that we can make all these changes as easy as possible for Tye.  I hope to support her ability to adapt, her confidence, and her resiliency by taking full advantage of the strong attachments she has developed with us.  Hopefully we can re-establish our routine once we arrive in our new home and create as much stability as possible even as the changes continue.  After all, it won't be long before an even bigger change arrives in January.  If nothing else, this is going to be a REALLY exciting six months.