Baby Big Girl

I've learned that I'm a very visual person.  When I travel anywhere, near or far, I rely on landmarks.  When I studied for exams, I often relied on remembering what the textbook page or my flashcard looked like in order to recall a term or definition, utilizing my brain like the screen shot feature on my  iPhone.  My memories are very visual too- glimpses of life, stored like photos stacked in the shoebox of my mind.  

Perhaps it's for this reason that I'm having a really, really hard time dressing Etta each morning.  Last week, I pulled out all the 12-18 month winter clothes we saved from Tye.  Every time I see each handed-down outfit, my mind flips through those photos of Tye wearing it- who gave us the outfit, what we did each time she wore it, where we went in it, how it fit her, even packing the clothes away for Baby Girl 2.  After all, it was just one year ago, after we found out we were having another girl, that I sorted through all these clothes that Etta is now wearing.  

Partly what's causing me so much heartache is that when Tye wore these clothes, I thought she was so big.  One outfit, in particular, I remember Tye wearing one day as we shopped at Costco. (It was this one- a gift from my aunt and cousin.)  

She looked so big that day in her jeans and her coat and her little pink Converse AllStars, sitting on her own in the shopping cart.  I remember thinking she was my little buddy, like my shopping sidekick.  Now, when I see Etta wearing it, I want to cry out, No! You aren't old enough to be my little buddy! You're my little baby!!!  And my heart just aches to slow down time.  

I realize that my new perspective of age and time is also playing a role in these feelings.  When Tye was nine months old, I really did believe she was getting to be "so old" already.  After all, she was eating solid food and crawling and babbling and showing off all her play skills.  We were rounding the curve into toddlerhood.  Now, I see Etta and think she is still so young.  And compared to Tye now, at 2 1/2, she is.  But Etta is also doing all those almost-toddler things Tye was at this age. While I once thought almost-toddlerhood was quite grown up, my current perspective sees it as oh-so-young.  I'm finally understanding how parents unknowingly baby their youngest child.  It truly is unintentional.  (Well, mostly.)

And so, on a daily basis, I deal with this disconnect between my visual memories of Tye the Big Girl and Etta my Baby wearing these same clothes.  I've tied memories to these clothes, and I'm looking forward to adding more photos to the mental stock I've acquired, of course.  I'm finding myself grateful to have a family member to hand these clothes down to when we're done.  The promise of seeing my niece wearing them some day will make parting with them significantly easier.  Otherwise, I don't know how I could part with clothes that are tied to so many memories.  They feel like the link between my Baby Big Girl and what will one day, all too soon, be only memories.  

Snip, Snip... Sniff, Sniff

Today was a big day in our home- a day we weren't sure would ever arrive.... Tye's first haircut!    I had mentioned to Tye several times that we may cut her hair soon, and she didn't ever show much interest until this morning.  I brought it up because the past two days, she has worn her hair in a braid to be like Mommy.  She loved this braid and showed it proudly to everyone she knew, from Daddy to her music teacher to her friends. 

Isn't that a sweet braid? But... it looks a little rat-tailish, especially after a few hours of play.

So this morning, when Tye showed interest, I searched for a video on YouTube about cutting girl's hair.  I found this gem, which Tye and I watched together.

I pointed out how the girl is smiling and happy, how she sits still, and how only the mom cuts the hair.  After the video, Tye was super excited and asked to cut her hair.  So we did.

Play silk + binder clip = perfect cape

It isn't perfect (it was hard with her curls!) but it was free, thanks to YouTube, and I love the way it curls evenly now (even more after a few hours in the humid heat).  As I cut Tye's hair, I had no problem.  But as soon as it was gone, I missed Tye's signature mullet and suddenly realized that I had just cut off the hair that she'd had all her life- since she was in my belly.  Wow.  It became a very sentimental event for me- so much so that Tye finally told me to stop touching her hair.  I miss her single long ringlet running down her back.  I feel a bit like I cut off part of her babyness.  Sigh.

The good news is that Tye is proud of her haircut, and like any hair cut, it will grow again- and I'll see her longer ringlet curls again.  And, I think it is still long enough to braid like Mommy's.

Hello, 30!

Wow.  What a difference a year can make.  

I celebrated another birthday this past week, and of course, it had me thinking back over the year.  Last year, I wasn't yet pregnant.  While the idea was already being discussed, I didn't expect a second baby before my next birthday.  Last year, the idea of moving wasn't even on our radar.  We were grateful Tyler had a job, even if it included traveling, and we thought we'd be in Chicago indefinitely.  Last year feels like half a lifetime ago.  

This year, I welcomed a new decade- my 30s.  Thanks to the past year, I have plenty more life events checked off my bucket list, and then some- like living in New York City, a dream of mine back when I was in high school, but one I let go years ago.  I not only had a second child, I had her at home, in a tub in my own bedroom.  I became a La Leche League leader.  I knit matching hats for my daughter and my newborn, and I put my daughter's hair in a ponytail.  

So what does this next decade hold?  I've learned not to plan too much, because I never know what is coming.  I welcome it with open arms, an open mind, and great enthusiasm.  But if this next year holds fewer changes than the last, I'd be okay with that, too.

Many, many, many thanks to my friend Amy Postle, who photographed me with my girls on my 30th birthday!  What a treasure.

In tandem

 Tandem nursing isn't always easy.  I sometimes feel like I have someone attached to my boob morning, noon, and night (especially night).  But I absolutely think it makes parenting two, who are only 26 months apart, easier.  When both are grumpy, we can sit on the couch and everyone can cheer up together.  When both are tired, I can get everyone to sleep at once.  And there are plenty of moments like this that make it all so very worthwhile.  

On your marks...

There's a thought that during the third trimester, our bodies' job is to make us so uncomfortable that by the time labor arrives, we will do whatever it takes- even pushing a large head through a very small space- to get the baby out.  


I'm there.  I'm very, very ready to have this baby.  Last week, I wasn't sure, and I even told Tyler that I wasn't sure I was ready emotionally.  I kept wondering if I was ready to be done being pregnant even if this is the last time I'm ever pregnant.  But this week?  Something shifted in my brain, and I am ready.  


Perhaps it's the never-ending contractions that are stronger than any practice contractions I remember with Tye (I keep telling myself they have to be doing something in there, as many as I'm having...).  Or maybe it's Baby Girl's head so low in my belly that every movement is uncomfortable, and many are downright impossible.  Or maybe it has to do with the crazy nesting urges I've been succumbing to all week that have encouraged me to launder every fabric item in our home, stuff our freezer full of reheatable meals, knit two hats, and re-organize every pocket of clutter, all between random cleaning binges.   I even have a half-made recipe of almond flour scones on the counter, ready to mix and bake so I'll have some delicious protein during and after the birth.  I'm ready.


But I'm afraid I'm the only one.  Tyler told me he has a week's worth of work he'd like to do before he takes paternity leave.  I'm not sure Tye is really ready or that she ever will be, but she's coming off of a nasty cold and any extra days towards healthy would benefit her transition to Big SIsterhood.  And most importantly, I need to wait until Baby GIrl is ready.  I keep reminding myself that she'll join us when she is ready, and until then, she's still growing and storing up fat for those first days out of the womb.  Thinking about her adding chub to her little legs and arms makes being patient simultaneously easier and harder.  I just want to kiss those tiny limbs already.  


Whenever I've run races, whether it's a local 5k or a huge marathon, I'm always one of the people rushing to the starting corrals at the very last minute or in some cases, even running to make it to the starting line before the chip timer is turned off.  But at each race, someone is the first runner to show up.  I'm sure she isn't alone- there are support personnel around preparing the stage and tents and others marking the course and directing traffic.  That first runner at the race is prepared; she's well-trained, her shoes are laced, her number is pinned to her shirt, and her bars and gels are tucked away neatly into pockets.  She's just waiting for someone to pull the trigger and start the race already.

Extending the Attitude of Gratitude

We celebrated our Thanksgiving with a road trip to see both our families in Illinois.  Moving away from everyone and seeing family less often has been a difficult change for us, and there's no better way to spend a holiday than surrounded by the people we love and for whom we are so thankful.  Tye is growing so quickly and noticeably right now that she amazed relatives with her expressive vocabulary and thick blonde hair.

Waiting for dinner...

Throughout November, I kept running into people's daily posts of things for which they were thankful.  I appreciate the conscious effort made to focus on being thankful, especially during the month we celebrate Thanksgiving.  Any way to extend the meaning and celebration of Thanksgiving (other than just extra turkey and potatoes) is, in my opinion, a great reminder of all we have.  

Now that Thanksgiving has passed and we're already deep in the throes of Christmas (though last I checked, it's still November), I hope all those people are continuing to practice their mindful thankfulness.  I've been told it takes 30 days for an activity to become habit.  Thanksgiving was on the 24th, almost a week shy of the 30 days it would require for someone to make a habit of noting something for which she is thankful each day.  Another theory by Dr. Maxwell Maltz suggests that 21 consecutive days is a span long enough to create a habit, but they must be consecutive.  I'm hoping there is truth to that theory and that everyone who noted daily what made them thankful will continue that practice, especially through the holidays.

As I grow older, each year I'm more aware of the stark contrast between Thanksgiving's prayers of gratitude and Black Friday's push for wanting, needing more.  Don't get me wrong- I'm very happy that the economy is rebounding, and I even participated in this year's Black Friday shopping mania.  I think I just notice the attitude shift between the two days much more clearly as I gain perspective.  

Or, maybe Black Friday is becoming a bigger deal each year- apparently to some it is, like the lady who pepper sprayed other shoppers over an XBox.  This year, as Black Friday edged it's way into the day of Thanksgiving and stores opened at 10pm Thanksgiving evening, the world of shopping seemed to overtake our one day devoted to thankfulness.  

Yesterday, I was reminded it was Cyber Monday when I opened my laptop to 49 new emails announcing huge discounts.  I deleted most without opening, but one caught my attention: from Patagonia*, an email with the subject line "Do Not Buy This Jacket."  Clever marketing, I thought, and opened it, curious to see what spin on the day the company was throwing.  As I read, I was greeted with the breath of fresh air I needed.  From the email:

Today is Cyber Monday. It will likely be the biggest online shopping day ever. Cyber Monday was created by the National Retail Federation in 2005 to focus media and public attention on online shopping. But Cyber Monday, and the culture of consumption it reflects, puts the economy of natural systems that support all life firmly in the red. We're now using the resources of one-and-a-half planets on our one and only planet.Because Patagonia wants to be in business for a good long time – and leave a world inhabitable for our kids – we want to do the opposite of every other business today. We ask you to buy less and to reflect before you spend a dime on this jacket or anything else.

In a world so deeply immersed in consumerism that not even a full day is devoted to being thankful any longer, we're bombarded daily with messages that we need more.  Combating those sentiments requires a conscious effort, because emails like those above are few and far between.  The first step to wanting less is appreciating what we already have, one more reason to continue the practice of being thankful into December.  So while the holiday of Thanksgiving may have passed, I'd like to wish you a season of continued thanksgiving.  Keep giving thanks and maintain your attitude of gratitude.  Before you know it, it will become a habit that changes your life for the better.

*I love Patagonia products and as much as I wish I was receiving something from Patagonia for sharing this with you, I'm not.  Other than a few online orders, they've never heard of me.  But I did spend the weekend stretching out the stomach in my favorite Patagonia fleece....  

Thoughts at 26 Weeks

I may be 26 weeks pregnant, but my body believes my third trimester arrived three days ago.  It came on like a ton of bricks- one day, I felt great, and the next, WHAM!  I was exhausted from pushing Tye in the stroller a few blocks, every time I bent over to pick up one of the million items on the floor my belly and back hurt, and by the end of the day, my entire body felt absolutely exhausted, despite my afternoon nap.  With only a week and a half until I officially enter the third trimester, my body isn't that far off.  I just wasn't expecting those typical third trimester symptoms until, well, the third trimester.  Fortunately, I've been surrounded by gentle reminders to appreciate every day of this pregnancy, and I'm truly working on that. 


I'm forever grateful just to be pregnant.  Today, October 15th, marks Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a day with special meaning to me.  Almost three years ago, I had an ectopic pregnancy that ended in emergency surgery to remove my ruptured fallopian tube.  The devastation of losing a pregnancy is hard to describe and rarely discussed publicly, as if miscarrying is shameful.  I found, though, that by talking openly about our experience, I was introduced to a flood of other women who had lost a pregnancy and even more stories of hope.  I learned that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage (1 in 3 by some estimates), which helped ease my own feelings of guilt.  Remembering how fortunate I am to have become pregnant with one fallopian tube, and to still be pregnant, being grateful comes easily.


As my pregnancy progresses, I'm thankful for each day that Baby Girl stays inside me.  Much as I did with Tye, I'm reminding this babe daily to "Stay inside until January," our pregnancy mantra.  Some days, I feel as though everywhere I turn, I encounter another story of a premature birth.  A friend just told me of a sorority sister who delivered her twins at 24 weeks.  Loving, concerned friends and family members reminded Tyler and me that I shouldn't be lifting anything heavy during the move, or better yet, shouldn't lift anything (and Tyler has been fabulous, helping me throughout).  With at least three close friends who delivered prematurely immediately following a move, moving was a real concern for us, and one we continue to take seriously (the boxes aren't gone yet!).  I'm thankful that we've progressed into a portion of the pregnancy in which Baby Girl would possibly survive if she was born, but even more, I'm grateful for every day she remains safely in utero.  


I'm also reminding myself to treasure this pregnancy because there's a chance it could be my last.  Though right now, I can say I would like another child someday, I don't know what the future holds for our family.  To assume I'll be pregnant again would also rely on me becoming pregnant again, an uncertain venture for any couple.  When I think about the possibility that this could be my last time experiencing pregnancy, I can't help but cherish each day.  


Since she learned we'd be moving, my dear friend Ines has been wishing for me to find peace after the move so I could just enjoy being pregnant.  Now that the chaos is beginning to calm, I'm able to concentrate on my connection with Baby Girl and finally realize Ines' hope for me, something I didn't realize how much I needed.  All these reminders of how fortunate we are aren't going wasted, either.  I'm grateful for the conception and safe continuation of this pregnancy, and for the wonderfully easy second trimester with which I was blessed when I needed it most.  When my continuously changing body requires me to slow down now, I'll gladly use the extra time to be present in the moment, enjoy the beauty of today, and say a little prayer of thanks.

Finding Out: Thoughts on Gender

I've been thinking a lot about the gender of this next babe, mostly because our 20 week ultrasound is Thursday (6 days away!).  We aren't totally convinced we want to find out if we're having a girl or a boy, and if we do find out, we're not sure we're going to share with anyone else.  


Part of me would love for baby's sex to be a birth day surprise.  I love the old-fashioned approach to welcoming a baby, not necessarily a boy or girl, but a baby.  Part of me also wants to rebel against the rest of the world's expectations that we'll be disappointed if we have another girl- all those people who have the nerve to say, "Oh, another girl?  That's too bad, I'm sure you were wishing it was going to be a boy."  What if Tye hears that over and over again?  Will she think we always wanted a boy and there's something wrong with being a girl?  I would do anything to protect her from that, even wait another 20 weeks to find out if we're having a boy or girl.  And what if the ultrasound technician is wrong about the gender?  


Still another part of me wants to know.  I'm a little scared that if I don't find out, the lack of such an intimate detail may keep me from bonding as closely with this baby before the birth.  Remember our nickname for Tye, Baby Girl?  As generic as it sounds, it was said (and often sung) so lovingly, so frequently, that it was part of Tye's identity when she was born and is still a common nickname for her in our house.  And then there's the practical angle- I would love to know if I should get rid of Tye's baby clothes to make way for boy items, or if I should unpack and wash all our gorgeous girls' clothes and be all set for a sister.  And, I could start shopping for baby....  We have time to decide, and if we aren't sure, we can always have the ultrasound tech write the gender on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope for us for a later reveal, should we choose (if we could hold that envelope without tearing it open).


I've also been thinking a lot about this baby's gender recently because at the beginning of the pregnancy, I was pretty certain I was carrying a girl.  It was the same mother's intuition I felt with Tye, when I kept seeing little girls and thinking immediately, "I'm going to have one of those."  Add to that the timing of conception, which was the same as Tye's, and the similar morning sickness patterns, and I was pretty sure this heartbeat belongs to a girl.  


More recently, though (as in, once I woke up from the first trimester haze of nonstop nausea), I've been noticing all the ways this pregnancy is so very different from mine with Tye.  Most notably, my complexion looks great right now- if anything, it's clearer than before I was pregnant (thank you, God!).  During my first pregnancy, I broke out horribly from the moment we conceived and had pimples covering my face, chest, back, and neck through the delivery.  This time I have, however, noticed dark pigmentation on my mustache area after a day in the sun, a normal hormonal pregnancy reaction but one I never saw on myself before.  Also this time around, I didn't notice in myself the same first trimester puffy stage, when my face, especially, looked round and puffy as happened with Tye.  I've also noticed that during this pregnancy, I pretty much don't have to shave my legs at all any more.  I could go two weeks sans razor and still wear a dress.  I don't remember that at all from my first pregnancy, and leg hair growth is one of those tell-tale signs according to many beliefs. (In case you're keeping track, yes, I'm loving this pregnancy right now- the clear, non-puffy skin and hairless legs far outweigh the tiny brown mustache spots.) Oh, and those feelings that I'm definitely having a girl have disappeared, whether on their own or because of all these inconsistencies.  


I don't know yet if we'll find out what all this means on Thursday or 20 weeks from now, but either way, the results won't matter much to me.  I would love to have a son and experience parenting a boy, for Tye to have a brother (because I adore mine), and for Tyler to have a son.  But I would also love for Tye grow up with a sister, something I never had myself, to be able to watch their relationship over the years, and for Tyler to have two Daddy's Girls at home.  Either way, I am beyond excited to welcome a new life into our family, to hold our little one close, to share the joy of a sibling with Tye, and to grow simultaneously bigger and closer as a family unit. Whether we find out or not, Thursday will be a joyful first glimpse at the new life joining ours. 


I can't wait to peek at you, little one. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you!

Welcome, 2nd Trimester!

Today marks the first day of my second trimester!  We celebrated with a lunch of fried zucchini blossoms stuffed with goat milk muenster cheese, both fresh from the farmer's market, before watching the US in the Women's World Cup Final game.  On Friday, I saw the midwife and we heard the baby's heartbeat again.  Because we've chosen to decline any screenings for birth defects, our visits are short and sweet- a good thing since Tye sits in a chair in the room with me the whole time.  


We've begun talking to Tye about the baby, and she now points to my belly when we ask her where the baby is (as opposed to pointing to her own belly, as she did initially).  Tye loves to straddle my lap facing me, lift my shirt, and kiss the baby.  I'm looking forward to her being able to feel the baby kick, which should happen relatively soon.  If it's like my first pregnancy, we only have a few weeks to wait.  While I can already feel little fluttering movements occasionally, I'm also looking forward to feeling more regular kicks as little reassurances that everything is okay.  


This first trimester has been a difficult one for me to practice appreciating every day.  It's just too easy for me to look forward to feeling better, feeling the baby, and even physically looking pregnant rather than just chubby.  As I enter this second trimester, I'm working to concentrate on being grateful for what I have each day.  I'm still small enough to avoid most aches and pains that will come later, I feel far better than I did earlier, I'm still able to nurse Tye, and I've had no complications so far.  Today is absolutely a day to celebrate.

The real reason I haven't been posting....

I miss writing blog posts here- they've become a welcomed outlet for me, much like journaling.  I can share what interests me, organize my own thoughts on topics and events in my life, and brag about my gorgeous little girl without feeling guilty.  Most of my posts in the past 19 months have been written while Tye was napping or after she'd fallen asleep for the night, especially more recently, since Tye turned into Tye-nado.  


But for the past few months, I've been needing those quiet times for extra sleep myself.  I'm now 10 1/2 weeks pregnant!  I took a pregnancy test on Mother's Day that turned up positive- a little celebration I'll always remember on future Mother's Days.  

Like my pregnancy with Tye, I've been battling morning sickness- more nausea and gagging than actual vomiting, but I think that's because I spend so much energy willing my food to stay down once it's in.  I was starting to really worry about the weight I've been losing, but at my midwife appointment last week, I was reminded that this isn't quite the same as my pregnancy with Tye.  


This time around, I have more weight to lose (since I never did return to my pre-baby weight completely).  I'm better rested, thanks to my daily naps with Tye.  I'm also under far less stress than the spring and summer I taught while expecting.  As much as I love teaching, staying home with Tye carries fewer concerns and deadlines.  I also discovered that a supplement of Vitamin B6 has helped ease my nausea and at least keep me mobile- and able to run around with Tye.  


Friday of last week, Tye and I visited the midwife office.  Amy, who attended Tye's birth, saw us and we listened to our new babe's heartbeat.  I'll never cease to be amazed by the power of that sound- such reassurance, joy, and gratitude in response to a pattern of rapid thumps.  Until I begin to feel this baby move, those thumps are all I have.  Well, those thumps, the nausea (which I know is a good sign for the pregnancy), and my already-expanding belly.  At 10 weeks now, I look more like I did at 15 weeks with Tye. 


My official due date is January 15, giving us plenty of time to prepare ourselves for our next addition.  I'm thrilled for Tye to be an older sister.  I am blessed to have really wonderful, close relationships with my two younger brothers, and I feel strongly that a sibling is the best gift I could ever give Tye.  Still, sometimes it's hard for me to believe that we're entering our next stage in life, becoming a family with more than one child.  I look forward to the changes that are coming, and to chronicling them all here, just as I did with Tye's arrival.  Just maybe not during nap time for a little while.

On Feeling Old

I've been feeling really old recently.  It started with me trying to find an outfit to wear to dinner at a trendy restaurant with Tyler's co-workers.  I kept finding myself responding to clothing items with phrases my mother would say- "(Gasp!) Who in their right mind would wear that?"  


Then I spent a few minutes reprogramming the SiriusXM radio channels in the car after they changed all the station numbers.  I realized my top channels are, in order: indie rock, kid's, coffee house (the new generation of smooth jazz), classic alternative ("classic"=old), "first wave" alternative (the first alternative bands), and 90's (it has its own station?!?).  I listen to almost all OLDIES!  Seriously, who knew programming radio stations could cause a midlife crisis?


To top it off, we've been planning for a couple weeks now to spend today at the zoo with a friend of mine from college and her son.  She and I have known each other for over 10 years now.  10 years is now significantly closer to 1/3 my life than 1/2 my life.  You see where math gets me...


Feeling old isn't all bad.  I'm excessively happy with where my life has taken me and all I've accomplished in my years.  I feel a perfect combination of fulfilled and ambitious, content and yet ready to take on the world.  I guess what shocks me most about feeling old is wondering how so much time could have passed so quickly.


A perfect example of time passing quickly?  Exactly two years ago, I wrote my first ever blog post, complete with a photo of my bitty baby bump at 11 weeks.  Looking back, I'm hit first with the amazement of how much I've changed and learned since that day.  I feel as though I've grown more in the past two years than in the previous 27 combined. 


With all my recent feelings of being old, I keep reminding myself, This is the youngest I'll ever be again.  While I say it to try to encourage myself to enjoy today, it doesn't do much to make me feel younger.  But when I look at Tye's smile, or run my fingers through her ringlets, or watch her roar at the lions, love washes over me and I know that if this is what getting old means, then by all means, bring it on.

Those days

Do you ever have those days when you step back and look at the day's events from an outsider's point of view, and you just have to laugh?  If you had been watching my day today, it would have been a series of hilarious clips.  Mostly the kind where you laugh and then the laugh turns into an "ooooh...." as in Oooh, I hope she's okay or  Oooh, that sucks.


Tye woke up at 6 am, giving us plenty of time to switch car seats before we left for our nature walk at 9:30.  We had to switch car seats because we were driving a rental while our car was in the shop and I wanted to use the old car seat, which takes 15 minutes to install, rather than the new one, which takes about 35 minutes, in case we needed to take a cab home after dropping off the rental.  The rental was out on the street because I didn't have a garage door opener to get it into the garage, so I let Tye sit in the driver's seat while I changed car seats.  I spent over 30 minutes changing car seats, during which time, Tye figured out which button honked the car horn.  Can't you just imagine me with my butt out the rear door of the compact car, struggling with seatbelts and harnesses, trying to calmly ask Tye to not honk the horn- for 30 minutes?


After our nature walk, we arrived at the dealership to return the rental car and waited an hour and a half for a diagnosis (even though they had had our car for 24 hours).  The dealership is hosting a fundraiser tonight, so employees and party planners were bustling around.  Of course, the ladybud-themed decorations were like magnets attracting Tye, so I was that mom chasing her daughter around the dealership saying "Soft touches!" and "Hands off!" and "Don't spill your water there!"  Fortunately Tye charmed most of the event staff with her shy smile and soprano "Hiiyeee," including special guest Dina Manzo of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Of course, after she stopped to talk to Tye, someone said, "You know who that was, right?" (Blank stare from me)  "That's Dina from the Real Housewives."  Oh.  She looked just like every other rich Lincoln Park mom to me.


When I finally received word that the cost of repairs was nearly equal to our car's blue book value, I tried calling Tyler just to discover that my phone wasn't working.  I could make calls, but couldn't hear anything coming out of the speaker.  Hmmm... Could this have to do with Tye slobbering all over the phone just minutes before while I was talking to the service rep?  Maybe...  This was about the time Tye started to lose her cool (after two hours of waiting and only a 20 minute nap, who could blame her?), so there I was, walking around the dealership with a crying baby on my hip, no functioning car and no operable phone.  Sheesh.


As we were paying for the car inspection, Tye continued to chew on her hands as she has been for two days, trying to ease the pain of her canines coming in.  She chose this moment to shove her hand into her mouth so far she gagged and threw up all over both of us- her shirt, my sweatshirt, my shirt, my hair.  I wiped us down with baby wipes as well as I could while calming talking to the service rep.   Then it was another round of wrestle-the-car-seat in our own car while Tye, once again, honked the horn repeatedly, this time inside the repair shop.  Can't you just imagine how happy they were to see the crying, running, puking, horn-honking toddler and her clueless, phoneless mother finally leave?


Even when I look at the great moments in our day, they hold their own humor.  I'm sure I would have died laughing if I were a stranger who walked into the dealership bathroom while a woman was holding her 16 month old daughter over the toilet saying "Pee pee!  Pee pee!  YAAAYYY! PEE PEE!!! WOOHOO, TYE!"   And I actually did laugh at myself when, after two geese boldly approached us on our nature walk this morning, as soon as I asked a friend to take a picture of us with the geese, they hissed at me as if I was invading their privacy.  We got in a shot anyway-from a safe distance.

I've discovered one of the secret best parts of motherhood: on days like today, I'm not alone.  Tye was there to laugh- or hide, or run, as the case may be- right along side me through each fiasco.  She's becoming less of a fifth limb and more of a sidekick as she comes into her own personality, and having a buddy around to laugh with me when I fall is priceless.  In both the situations she creates, like vomiting on us, and exacerbates, like honking the horn while I'm wrestling car seats, I know Tye will laugh with me- if not in that moment, eventually.  Sure, some parts of today would have been easier without a toddler in tow, but Tye kept me laughing all day long.  The kind of laugh that turns into an "Ohhhhhhhh, I love you, Tye."

Tina Fey tells it like it is

Feeling very out-of-touch with current trends recently, I picked up April's InStyle Magazine thinking I would find inspiration and tips for looking young, modern, put-together- in other words, less mommy-at-the-playground.  It didn't surprise me a bit, though, that my favorite portion of the magazine was the article on cover model Tina Fey about balancing motherhood with her career and her new autobiography, Bossypants.  When InStyle asked Tina "Who's the boss of Tina Fey?" her response had me laughing out loud with it's brutal honesty.   


Topping her list of bosses, Tina said:

My daughter.  Kids are definitely the boss of you.  Anyone who will barge into the room while you are on the commode is the boss of you.  And when you explain to them that you're on the commode and that they should leave but they don't?  That's a high-level boss.

What mom can't relate to that? I may not have found all the style inspiration for which I was searching, but I would pay the cover price for that quip any day.

On Prioritizing...

This morning when I got out of bed, I immediately bundled up Tye to take Mico out, then gave Mico food and water, changed Tye's diaper, got Tye water and a snack, and vacuumed up the ceramic baking dish that shattered when it fell out of the cabinet as I was reaching for Tye's cup.  By the time Tyler walked into the kitchen, my full bladder and intense thirst had gotten the best of me, and I snapped at him for no reason.  All morning long, I had attend to the needs of my family without taking a moment to meet my own physical needs, thinking I was doing what was best for them.  But if taking care of them immediately comes along with a moody mama who resorts to harsh words, I'm clearly doing something wrong.


I believe that as mothers, we need to strive to keep our own needs met by setting our needs as a high priority.  By fulfilling our own needs and even some of our wants, we can then better provide for our families.  Our children and spouses deserve matriarchs who are healthy, happy, and able to care for them lovingly, rather than cranky, moody, even suffering martyrs.  Bottom line: we need to meet our own needs first.  In our crashing plane of life, we need to affix our own oxygen masks first so that we can complete the task of securing our child's mask.  


Is this selfish?  It feels like it to me.  I struggle daily to find the balance between caring for myself and giving everything I have to my family (which was obvious this morning).  When I meet my own needs first, I feel guilty for not spending that time caring for Tye and Tyler, even our pets.  I tend to neglect things for myself- from my own meals and bedtime to working out.  Other things, especially caring for Tye, take priority on a daily basis.  Yet when I don't pause to take care of myself, sometimes my family pays the price later when I'm exhausted/ spent/ at the end of my rope/ ready to snap.  When I do take out my frustration on someone else, I feel like a horrible mother, not worthy of efforts to meet my own needs.  So I ignore myself even more, perpetuating the cycle and often leading to more grumpiness. 


With motherhood comes self-sacrifice.  As mothers, we give more of ourselves than we ever thought possible, and our gifts in return are beyond measure.  Sometimes, though, we sacrifice so much of ourselves that we get carried away.  When I'm not even attending to my own needs to eat nutritiously and visit the bathroom when nature calls, I've lost sight of the bigger picture.  I need to care for myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually so that I can fully give of myself to my family.  Food for my body, a phone call to a friend, time in prayer- these things are essential to my holistic health.  If I can fulfill my own basic needs enough to keep me the joyful, generous, patient, loving woman I strive to be, I know my family will be happier, even if everything else in our home isn't perfect.


As I was thinking of all this this morning, hanging my head in my hands with my elbows resting on the kitchen counter,  I looked up briefly to see Tye staring at me from her seat as she ate her crackers.  I tried to play off my shameful, regretful pose as hiding and turned it into a quick game of peek-a-boo, smiling at her from behind my hands.  She grinned back at me, and my heart lightened.  Then Tye leaned toward me and pursed her lips to request a kiss.  


As I kissed Tye, I thought, How can I be unhappy with such joy in my life?  Tye deserves a mama who is happy and cheerful, not dehydrated and ready to pee her pants.  Tyler deserves a wife who is personally fulfilled and ready to be a loving, engaging partner- and by engaging, I don't mean in a fight.  I know as this journey of motherhood moves along, I'll continue to search for the perfect, ever-shifting balance of prioritizing each family member's priorities.  For today, I've at least decided that the cost of that broken ceramic dish was totally worth this morning's lesson.

A Day in my Life

I'm honored to have been asked to contribute a guest post on Annie's Tiny Flecks of Color blog for her one-year blogiversary.  She celebrated with guest posts themed A Day in the Life....  Daily rhythms are a vital to keeping peace in our home and providing a sense of calm ritual, and I hope this post captures that without making our days seem too mundane- because of everything our days are, they are never boring! Check out what a day in our life looks like here.


Thanks, Annie, and happy one year, Tiny Flecks of Color!

The Good Things

I believe in the importance of pausing regularly to focus on and emphasize the good things in life.  It would have been an easy week to write off as horrible if I allowed myself to concentrate on the things that went wrong- mistakenly showing up to the La Leche League meeting an hour late, forgetting to put the coffee pot in the coffee maker before it started, Tyler working insane hours for the second week in a row.  There were plenty more, to the point that it was almost comical.  If I wanted, I could remember those things about the week and it would be a bad week.  But the thing is, there was a whole lot of time that wasn't bad, including some really beautiful moments.  I'm choosing to focus on the good times, the beauty in life.  So here are a few of the good things from my week:

• Going to the Shedd Aquarium Members-Only Behind the Scenes Open House as a family, especially watching Tye carefully observe the sea lion from her perch on Tyler's shoulders and seeing the way she grasped his shoulder when they approached the beluga whales
• Watching Tye strut around with her new play ball- perhaps the best $1.99 I've ever spent

• Boutique shopping with a friend and her 18 month old son; the two kiddos both love to say hi, especially to each other, so they yelled across the stores to each other from their Ergo carriers like birds calling to each other... "Hi!"  "Hiyee!"  "Hi!"  "Hiyee!"
• Meeting new friends and swinging endlessly at the park

• Opening my eyes in the morning to Tye's happy face three inches from mine, coming in for a kiss
• Finally catching a hug in photo (even if it was a blurry iPhone photo)

I hope you had a week full of good things.

Advice to a Mother-To-Be

Yesterday, I co-hosted a beautiful New Mother Celebration, a kind of a baby shower in which we concentrated on welcoming the expectant mom to this new stage in life.  We rubbed her feet and her neck, brought her her favorite foods and recent cravings, and shared our wishes for her birth- an emotional outpouring that had all of us in joyful tears.  It was truly beautiful.


We also each wrote down our mothering advice and insights, which will be compiled along with photos of the celebration to form a memory book of today.  This got me thinking of a whole variety of ideas I wish someone had shared with me before Tye was born.  Here are a few things I've learned along my way.

• Follow your instinct.  No matter what you decide, someone somewhere will back you up, so go with your gut.
• As soon as possible after the birth, write your birth story, including all the details you remember.  Though it seems impossible, those details will be hard- if not impossible- to remember in a few short weeks, and you'll be thankful you saved them.
• Take pictures of your babe nursing, from your point of view. It's a glimpse of a sweet moment you'll treasure later.
• Mothers weren't meant to mother alone, but in a community, with support. Don't be ashamed to ask for help, or to have friends over when the house is messy, or to simply take help when it is offered. We've all been there, and we're offering because we want to.
• Find or build a tribe of like-minded moms.  Meet them at Attachment Parenting support groups, La Leche League meetings, or Holistic Moms Network meetings.
• If you're considering seeing a Lactation Consultant, just do it.  You'll be glad you did, and sooner is always better for your supply and your baby.
• Don't forget that just because your hug quota was met for the day by your hours of cuddling baby, your husband's most likely wasn't.  Give him lots of hugs, too.
• Every stage, by definition, has an end.
• When friends and family hold your baby for too long (you'll know it when you miss her), just tell them it's time to nurse. That's something only you can do, and you get baby back. It's okay to do this every 15 minutes.
• Have your husband help choose the color of your baby carrier so he will feel comfortable wearing it (our favorites were a ring sling and later the Ergo).
• When the whole world asks if your baby is sleeping through the night yet, it's okay to smile and respond, "She's a great sleeper," or "We get lots of sleep," even if it's only true because you sleep beside her while she nurses all night long. They'll think you're a great parent- which you are.

Photos from your own point of view remind you how sweet that cuddle actually was.

What is your advice for a new mother?  What do you wish you had known?

Reflection

So often recently, I think about what we were doing exactly one year ago.  I was off of bed rest and nesting like crazy... although without a nursery to prepare (since we kept our second bedroom a guest bedroom for the first 10 months), I was mostly tying up loose ends and shopping (mostly the latter- I'm not sure not having a nursery saved us any money).  


One year ago today, I was 39 weeks pregnant and wrote about it in my blog post that day.  I  remember, although it isn't included in that post, that 39 weeks was the point in which I decided we could start doing things that actively promote labor, like long walks and foot massages.  Tyler was so impatient (remember, it had been 5 weeks since I'd been put on bed rest and 16 since my first trip to the hospital with contractions- a long wait!) that he took me to Whole Foods to buy every home remedy for inducing labor we had ever read about.  Let me tell you, vegan eggplant parmesan and pineapple are not the greatest pairing, especially when you have occasional reflux...  


Those of you who have been reading Mama Em from its beginning know that it it took me a while to find the true heart of Mama Em and what it should contain.  Initially, I envisioned only my mom, mother in law, and maybe grandma reading it, so I wrote to them about my day and included little details I thought they might find interesting.  I soon found, though, that there were many other topics that fascinated me, from the Shedd Aquarium's beluga whale pregnancy to Project Runway episodes covering maternity fashion.  As I learned more about healthy living and pregnancy, I shared those topics, too.  My blog began to document not only my pregnancy but also my increasing awareness of holistic parenting.  


What makes Mama Em priceless to me is how it has become a journal.  Through blogging, I've learned the value of documenting my life not just in pictures, as I have for years, but in writing about my current emotions, train of thought, and opinions.  Without that, I wouldn't likely remember how much security I found in Tyler's impatient waiting for the birth and how that showed me he was emotionally ready to become a father.  I would have forgotten just how hard that waiting was for me, too, had I not posted about it almost every day for several months (you poor readers!).  I would have forgotten the details of the day before Tye was born, like the way the zipper on my fleece swayed side to side with each step as we walked to the dog park.  And I'm forever grateful to have recorded certain memories, like Tyler's brilliant takes on pregnancy. 


Through blogging, I've also been reminded of the value of journaling for self-reflection.  In college, our Education professor required short daily journal entries about our day student teaching in the classroom.  This exercise taught me to reflect on my day and how my experiences wove themselves into my training.  In the same way, blogging has, for me, become an opportunity for me to gather my thoughts in one place and reflect upon motherhood.  I believe writing about my pregnancy, from the joys to the fears, helped prepare me for the birth.  Now, writing about parenting provides me time to contemplate parenting philosophies, how they affect children, and how they might affect Tye.  I also draw (sometimes strange) parallels that reinforce my attempts to truly appreciate each moment of every day and parent with love, joy, patience, and faith.  Blogging has become therapeutic for me.


Looking a pictures of me one year ago, I can hardly remember what it felt like to have such a huge belly, to feel Baby Girl moving around inside of me, to feel the almost-constant contractions squeezing around my tummy, to be anxiously waiting for such a life-changing event.  Thankfully, I have all those memories and emotions in words, and I can go back and read about each day.  Someday, perhaps Tye will want to read about our journey into life together.  


As I've said before, I'm amazed anyone besides my mom reads Mama Em.  I love knowing that there are others out there, though, actually interested in what I write and even engaging in two-way conversation with your comments (which I love).  You provide motivation to write and to continue to document my journey into motherhood.  Thank you for listening to me for the past 19 months.